Spells

You do not choose a spell. Read a Passage, survive the Instinct roll, and the d20 picks for you.

The d20 table

d20	Art	Spell	Effect	Flavour
1		Fucking Laserbeams	Fire 1d4 lasers at targets within sight. They make a DR14 reflex test, on failure they take 3d6 damage.	"frickin animals, with frickin laser beams coming out of their heads"
2		Piss Tornado	You have 6 seconds to hide. A piss tornado tears through where you were standing dealing 2d8 damage to everything in its path.	"Urine for a tough time."
3		Beep Beep Motherfucker	The nearest vehicle (in operation or otherwise) hurtles towards you at high speed. Everything in its path suffers 4d6 damage. Make a DR8 reflex save, if you fail, you take the damage as well.	"Animal crossing."
4		Summon: Tactical Shopping Cart	Summon a controllable shopping cart. It has 12hp and a ram attack that deals 1d6 damage. Every time the cart deals damage, it takes half the damage it deals. You can ride in it.	"Does not work for online shopping."
5		Garbage Day	All garbage and dumpsters within 30ft hurtles towards the target of your choice within site. The GM decides the damage based on the contents.	"It's garbage dayyyy..."
6		Summon: Ghost of a Divorced Dad	Summon a spirit companion for d20 minutes. He is wearing an obscure band t-shirt and drinking craft beer. He can provide advice. It's not always good.	"What is your wisdom, o' great Gary."
7		Roll Coal	Diesel fumes erupt from your mouth in a 12ft cone. Everything that breathes in its path suffers 1D6 damage and must make a DR 12 Guts roll. On a failure they start Asphyxiating.	"Probably compensating for something."
8		Grand Theft Trachea	The trachea of a target within your line of sight appears in your hands. They suffer the consequences of suddenly not having a trachea.	"Protect ya neck."
9		Turn Off Bones	1d4 targets within your sight suddenly become boneless. They are still alive.	"Now in liquid form."
10		Nacho Cheese Catastrophe	The earth splinters and expels a torrent of super heated nacho cheese. All living beings within 20ft must make a DR14 reflex save, on failure they take 2d6 damage and become coated with nacho cheese. The cheese coating deals d6 damage at the end of each turn until removed.	"Tortilla chips available for an additional charge."
11		Shit Your Whole Ass	The insides of a target within your sight become their outsides via their butthole. They suffer immeasurable consequences.	"Not a viable laxative."
12		Unlimited Fucking Breadsticks	At a point within your sight, a portal opens and begins to spew forth breadsticks at an alarming rate at roughly 10 breadsticks per second. Lasts d12 minutes.	"Say when."
13		Kickflip Over Death	The next time you would die, instead a skateboard materializes and you do a kickflip. It's sick. Everyone is very impressed. Your HP becomes 1.	"HOLY FUCKING SHIT. DID YOU SEE THAT!?"
14		Become the Liquor	1d4 targets within your sight become absolutely, irrevocably drunk off their ass. They permanently become Fucked out of their skull.	"Their cups overfloweth."
15		Summon: Valiant Cobra Chicken	You summon a Canadian Goose that obeys your commands. It has 6hp and has a peck attack that deals d12 damage. It can fly, and honk to draw attention.	"Nicknamed the 'cobra chicken' for its long neck, fierce hiss, and unapologetic attitude."
16		Banish to the Meat Dimension	A target within your sight is banished to the meat dimension (???)	"We have such sights to show you."
17		Sisyphus took a smoko	A giant boulder 12ft in diameter appears suddenly and rolls d100ft in the direction of your choosing at terminal velocity, destroying anything in its path. Living creatures within its path must make a DR12 reflex save or be crushed to death instantly.	"A rolling stone gathers no moss. But it will probably gather loads of viscera."
18		Would You Love Me If I Was a Worm	A target within your sight turns into an earthworm. It is very affectionate towards you.	"The answer should always be yes."
19		Summon: Huge fucking guy on bath salts	Summon a 6'4, 350lbs menace absolutely hosed out of his mind on amphetamines. He has 24hp and a rage modifier of +6. He can make a d8 bite attack, and a grapple attack (contest of rage against the target to incapacitate). At the end of every action he takes d6 self inflicted damage. At the end of d8 minutes, his heart explodes and he dies regardless of current health. You can gently suggest what he should do, he might listen.	"Godluck and goodspeed."
20		Smokes, Lets Go	Conjure d4-1 full cigarettes (minimum 1).	"If I can't smoke and swear, then I'm fucked."

Every row above is a page: name, plate, what it does, and the way back.